Everyone needs a fat friend? Really?

I don't talk about weight much because for me being healthy is less about a number on a scale and more about how strong and active I can be. But I have something to talk about here, and its kind of hard.

I read recently that the best way to develop an active and fit lifestyle is to surround yourself with like-minded people. I most certainly have done that over the past couple of years and I have found a great group of friends who are super supportive of my endeavors and encourage me to always be a better version of myself. Most of my friends are really active, but there is one specific group of girlfriends whom I have been spending a lot of time with lately. We've been enjoying all the wonderful things about South Florida in the summer... the training runs (where lately I just go to support because my body is acting like it is made of glass), the social events, the concerts in the local venues, the laughs, and some serious heart to heart talks.

Almost 2 months ago, I got home from spending time with these friends at run club and saw a message on Facebook from another facebook friend (who is somewhat outside of my immediate circle but who I have had good interaction with in the past and who also seems really supportive). She's undergone a significant weight loss transformation and is now a rep for beach body. I truly believe that her message came from the right place, but was just really misguided. out of the blue, she wrote:

I care about you. I want to know if I can help you to lose weight so that we can get you running in good shape?:)

I tried to be ok with it and let it roll off my back, but I must admit that I was really offended. I've maintained my weight loss since my injury last year. Weight has always been an issue with me, and for most women (myself and my social group included) weight is a private thing. We don't talk about what weight we want to lose, we just talk about getting stronger and being better versions of ourselves. And then we do it.

But getting that message was tough. I called in the cavalry, and they all offered their variations of support and I felt better. But inside of me, I still hurt. Shit, I'm getting teary eyed right now. And I haven't even gotten to why I'm writing yet...

The thing is, I know that I'm overweight. I don't need someone to tell me that. I don't talk about my weight much because I have struggled with extended periods of disordered eating, and I don't want to accidentally contribute to a worstening of my own issues, or trigger someone else's issues. In that end, just know that I don't need to be told that I'm overweight out of the blue. Even if you love me, my weight, and what I am doing or not doing to maintain it is not anyone's business but my own.

And I am confident that it is a private affair because my medical workups are fine, indicating that my risk factors have all gone down since I started running 2.5 years ago. The doctor actually says that if I lose weight, that would only benefit me in terms of vanity's sake, medically weight-loss isn't going to affect me much physically and medically.

But the thing is, like many other people, I have a vain streak. I want to be attractive. And so much of our culture says that to be slender is attractive. I don't mean like Renee Zellweger at her normal weight although many people strive for that. Instead, I would love to have a body with weight on it that more resembles that of Renee Zellweger at her +30lbs Bridget Jones weight (ideal on left below, what women seem to strive for on right):

That doesn't mean to say that I think either version of Renee Zellweger is not attractive or less valuable. There is definitely no skinny shaming going on in this post, instead, for my own frame, I would probably prefer the pic on the left.

Again, my vain streak, and my own personal journey with weightloss is very private and personal to me. I wouldn't share it here, and I don't bring it up with my friends ever. They never want to hear me say anything disbarraging about my body. But recently I say this picture from a recent concert where we saw John Legend play: 

 

And its a great picture, right? I absolutely love this picture of the 6 of us. Except, when I saw the picture, I wasn't thinking that. Instead, the voice of the girl who left me the facebook message was in my head, saying loud and clear:

Well every group of girls needs a fat friend.

I do not talk like that. And I don't make negative comments about my body that way. And I really try to respect my friends and not use the term "fat" ever about myself, but that voice got to me. To clarify, my friend who left the facebook message did NOT say that I'm the fat friend, but this was my internalization of what she said. And it really got to me. And then I realize that the problem is that I am comparing myself to other people, not to myself.

Of course when I am comparing myself to the bodies of these amazing women, I will feel overweight, but they are also much slighter than me in terms of bone structure in the first place. I cannot compare myself to other people, and the only thing that I have to compare myself to IS myself. I'm on this journey for myself, and I recognize that I have my own issues to contend with.

I'm taking this process slowly so that I don't trigger any underlying residuals from my disordered eating in my teens and early 20s. But I'd like to start seeing downward movement. Not because other people want that for me, but because I want that for me.

I read somewhere recently that sometimes people are motivated by the thought of competition, and that if people put their money where their mouths are, they are more likely to reach the goals they set. So I joined Diet Bet. Basically you place a wager (usually between $20-35) to join a specific bet (either a 6 month bet for 10% loss, or a 1 month bet for a 4% loss), and you check in before, occasionally during, and after. If you meet your goal, you get a cut of the pot. I found a challenge that was run by Alex Respess from season 1 of Extreme Makeover Weightloss edition.

I think it should be great motivation to work with him. There are 161 people in the challenge and the entry is $30 for August 11- Sept 07 with a goal of losing 4% of your total body weight in the 28 day period. The pot is already up to $4,830.00. I think it will give me some accountability as I start to get the scale moving again. 

To join this diet bet, follow this link. I would love to have you all join me.

Frustrations abound at the gym

I recently joined a Gym. LA Fitness to be exact.

Not necessarily to lose weight (although I should probably lose about 60 lbs), but that would just be a happy byproduct.

I joined to give myself more training possibilities for my running. Right now, the weather is hit or miss, but we are going into the rainy season in South Florida soon, and the temps will also be heating up. And in the past I have learned that as the days get longer, I have less opportunity to run. Because I am totally NOT a morning person, this meant a lot of training runs at night after dark, which cuts into my precious together time with husbeast.

So I joined a gym to have access to things like the dreadmill, and the elliptical, and possibly the stationary bike. I chose LA Fitness because it also has a sauna and a steam room, a pool and a Jacuzzi. All super welcome bonuses for me as we don't have any of that available now that we are homeowners.

But I was also very turned on by the idea that there would be fitness classes. Like spin, and Zumba, aerobics, Latin Heat class, and yoga.

All with one startup fee and a marginal monthly membership, I would have access to a lot of really great opportunities to lead a more active lifestyle.

And of course, they have the dreaded weight machines. While I don't begrudge anyone the use of machines, that just isn't what my goal is. My goal is to make having a more active lifestyle part of my day-to-day. My goal is to supplement my running. My goal is to enjoy exercising. And being on those machines screams BORING. Oh man, I would rather jab myself repeatedly with sharpened and rusty darning needles than spend time on those dang machines!

But of course the startup fees at the gym include a single session with the trainer, in the hopes that they can rope you into a contract for a quite pricy personal training plan... which would be geared toward spending most of my time on those dang weight machines and less time doing the things that I joined this gym specifically for.

I didn't want this intro session with the personal training, but I suppose I wasn't forceful enough to say no. While, professionally, I always counsel people to cut back on their conflict avoidance style, it is easier to coach someone into doing this than it is to follow my own guidance.

So this week, I had my intro training session, which I didn't really want in the first place. I saw down and we talked about goals and why I joined the gym. And I was candid and clear. The gym will be used to supplement my training and encourage cross training, particularly as I come out of this long drawn out foot injury. And he took my measurements, told me that I was a good 60 lbs overweight (which I am aware of because I am not blind and can see the numbers on the scale), and wanted to talk about diet.

And then he dropped his first insult. That I could never lose weight eating a bagel and banana in the morning because that's runners food, and runners food doesn't work.

And then he started talking about how I need to eat chicken and more protein, disregarding the fact that I clearly told him I am a vegetarian.

And then we got to the point of the actual training session which overall went fairly well, although he seemed to ignore the fact that I told him that one of the exercises was causing tremendous heel pain, and I was concerned about the possibility of injury because I have a race coming up this weekend.

To which his response was basically, If you have a goal to lose weight, you shouldn't be running anymore, particularly not running half and full marathons. They aren't healthy, and will cause you to get hurt and destroy your knees, hips, and ankles. Then there was the accusation that my foot injury was caused by running...

Pardon me for a second here as I flip to my big girl language, but NO ASSHOLE, my foot injury is not related to running. My injury happened because I am a KLUTZ and I fell in a freaking hole and tore a tendon and didn't know it, then got bad medical advice. Yes, running was part of the reason that it didn't heal as fast as it should have, but  that doesn't mean it came from running.


AND by the way, just because your charts say I am overweight by 60lbs and at a heightened risk for things like diabetes, high cholesterol and obesity related death...  my doctor has indicated (on multiple occasions) that I am in tip top physical health and that the only reason I should be working to lose the weight right now is for vanity.

But of course, I didn't say any of this, though I definitely wanted to as I envisioned punching him in his muscle bound EYEBALL.

And instead, when he tried to sell me the personal trainer for the affordable cost of $40 per week with a 12 month contract (and a one time initiation fee), I meekly told him that this was not going to be fiscally prudent based on our family budget, but maybe some other time down the line.

To which he told me that he'd still like to get me to sign an agreement with him (personally) to give up a year of running altogether to see how the weight falls off.


Next time, I will shank a bitch. And after he recovers from the initial shock, I'll just run away.

13.1 miles away.

Even at my molasses pace, I'd probably lose him after that first point one of a mile. Afterall, that point one will getcha.

 

Failing is an option, quitting is not

Erica at Wornout Soles recently wrote a post about 30 life lessons that she has learned in celebration of turning 30 this month. I found her blog through a group on facebook, and while all of her life lessons really seem to be really great lessons to have learned, I struggled over understanding and believing her lesson #15.

Failing is an option, quitting is not.

I am super competitive with myself. I am a loose-ends-tie-r-upper. When I give myself to something, I give 110%. When I take a class or an exam, I cannot stop working until I have given my very best. Everything has to be perfect in order for me to be proud of my accomplishments.

When I compare myself to others doing similar things (like writing a paper for example), a B is a fairly good grade and I would tell others that this is great, but deep inside me, I don't believe it for myself. I've come to realize the past couple of years, its not that I think that I am better than others, or that I need to be better than others, but rather, It is about my own feelings of self worth. I feel like I have to constantly prove to others (and myself) that I am worthy.

Failure is just not an option for me.

Because failing is a sign of weakness. And if I fail, I wont be worthy.

... Because somewhere along the lines, I have taught myself that to be worthy is to get straight As, to be worthy is to complete ridiculous running challenges, that to be worthy isn't just to study karate but to have a black belt, that to be worthy is to not just contribute money to a good cause but to take up the mantle for that cause. I spread myself too thin, because it isn't enough to work part time and work on a doctoral dissertation, but I have to be doing all this other stuff too, and constantly give my free time to helping others with anything and everything (I seem to be the go to person for a lot of people and always feel myself dropping everything that is me-centered to help others out). 

And all of that eventually leads to burnout.... and worse, feeling like a failure. Because, you know, its not enough to be doing one or two things, when I can instead be doing a LOT of other things.

Years ago, while in undergraduate, I was going through a rough spell. And I was with a dear friend and talking about something that was emotional and I excused myself to cry. I NEVER want to let anyone see me cry, because to me, it shows weakness. I'm a super emotional person anyway, but I don't want others to see tears. Anyway, after I was done crying in the bathroom, I came back out and my friend had a come-to talk with me. I don't remember anything of that conversation or the circumstances except this. After a brief pause where he asked if i was ok, he said to me:

Amy, why are you so afraid of crying in front of others? Crying is a natural expression, let yourself be human.

Those words have since stuck with me. And frequently when I have a run, or screw up something, I remind myself that it is ok to be human, and try to let go. And with that, I realize that Erica from Wornout Soles is right... failure is natural. All children who learn to walk fall down. And it hurts and they cry. But they don't quit, and eventually they are able to walk a few more steps without falling down. They learn through perseverance and dedication. Perseverance and a refusal to quit are behaviors that allow us to become better and stronger people. Those are the behaviors that strengthen our souls and decrease the odds of failing the next time.

All that being said, I finally made a leap and got myself a gym membership at LA Fitness. I haven't been to a gym in years, but in South Florida heat, it almost makes sense because running can be so brutal outside sometimes. Plus the Dr. wants me to work more x-training in. I wanted this particular gym because through membership, I would have access to all sorts of classes like spinning, Zumba, Latin heat, etc. I'm terrified of weight machines, but I thought these classes would be a great way to get out there and push my comfort zone. I've now taken 2 classes there, and have learned the following:

1) I am built like an out of shape linebacker.
2) This white girl ain't got no rhythm. 
3) it is entirely impossible to do a class without staring at the amazing asses on the other girls. 
4) I have the grace of Steve Urkel.
5) I look and feel like a fool

But all of those things combined, I am finding that I am really enjoying this new activity. I'm nervous and scared, and I think I just need to keep it in perspective.

I'm fairly sure that at some point, I'm gonna fail (just look at that list above), but I wont be quitting any time soon.

(And maybe this will be just the remedy for not having enough me time.)
 

Hulk-Smashing goals.

If you remember correctly, back in early January I set a mileage goal (although I didn't start blogging till later, the goal was set in early January). It wasn't a resolution, per se, but just a goal of how many miles I would like to log for the year. This was back before I got this wild hair about doing 13 half marathons this year, before I decided that I wanted to run a marathon next January, and WAY before I dreamed up this crazy idea of doing 6 half marathons in 6 days.

The goal was to log 312 miles this year. It was more mileage than I managed in 2012, but not so much more that it would be unattainable. I wanted a challenge, but I didn't want to set my goals too high, lest I set myself up for inevitable failure.

In January through June, I logged just under 200 miles, so it seemed that I was right on track to pass my goal. But then in July, although I spent a week off my feet due to illness, I managed to log 93 miles. NINETY-THREE!

Technically I've never logged over 50 miles per month, so 93 miles was a lot.  And as of last night, my year to date mileage is at 292.43 miles.

Should all go according to plan, I'll be hitting my 2013 mileage goal by Saturday.

That is mind-blowing to me.

In other late breaking news, I have officially quit on Weight Watchers. My health insurance company told me I was overweight and could reduce my premiums if I lost weight, and they offered me a free weightloss coach. She suggested that Weight Watchers may not be working so well for me because it only tracks on a points system, not individual things like calories, fat, protein, sodium and sugar.

She had suggested using My Fitness Pal. While I resisted making the change, Ray started using it recently and has given it glowing reviews. So for now, I will be tracking everything that I consume and logging it. After the first day, the reports suggested that after 5 weeks I should be at one of my first target weights. I like the idea of that.

I'm gonna Hulk-Smash that goal too. And if the scale only moves 0.1 lb per week... that's ok. I wont let it get me.

Getting down to business

The other day, my dear friend Brina (who started as a running friend but who I feel strange calling a "running friend" because she is WAY more than that), posted to the Center of the Nation group on Facebook about what kind of training plan we needed to do in order to complete our goal of finishing 6 half marathons in 6 days. She got some great responses, then took those responses and developed a training plan for the two of us to follow.

We both agree that we are far more accountable for our commitment toward training if we follow a set training regimen, and we liked the way the plan she designed looked. She gave me a copy this past Thursday, and it looked like I was only missing one day at the very beginning.

Fast forward to Saturday, and I realized that I was actually looking at the wrong week. Doh. So instead of finishing out the week FOUR miles short of the target, I actually finished out the second week about FIVE miles short.

OK, no big deal, right? Except that my total for the week was only 12 miles. And next week, my total mileage for the week goes up to 20 miles. That's a big increase. They are somewhat shorter runs, but they are a lot of back to back days. And this is where I start to get intimidated.

But I have a plan. And other than a few deviations from the plan (like the fact that I am traveling this coming weekend and don't see myself being able to complete my scheduled Sunday 10 miler on a travel day), I think this is going to work.

You got to have a plan, and you have to work your plan.

And starting to eat right again would probably help too. Its not that I am gaining weight, I'm just feeling a little puffier than normal. I think part of it is the increase in whole grains and other vegetarian types of foods, but I'm sure the cinnamon bun at Ikea didnt help, or the other little cheats that I find myself somehow justifying.

But whether my weight is increasing or not, I am feeling somewhat sluggish from the occasional foray into junkfood-ville and the lack of high mileage runs (which will obviously be changing soon) means I am not burning crazy calories. I am actually kind of surprised that the weight isn't creeping back on.

In the meantime, I have a closet full of new running clothes.... clothes I never would have considered running in this time last year. New clothes may provide some of the extra motivation that I need too. Who knows?

One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Its time to get into gear because I don't want the point one to get me.

Welcome to Week 3!

Ch-Ch-Changes

A couple of weeks ago, I ran my worst half marathon ever... something I am still quite shaken by, but something I am trying hard to move past. The reality though, is that after such an awful situation like that, it is hard to move on. It is hard to motivate and lace up my shoes. It is hard to just want to keep going. The 5 year old in me is saying its time to pack up my toys and call it a day. The adult in me knows that this was just a temporary setback and I need to just keep chugging along with my training. Besides, I have some huge things in store over the next 8 months. Some things I've shared... some things I've been tight-lipped about. Regardless, now isn't the time for me to pack it in just yet.

I've since been to the doctor, and he suggested that there were numerous factors at play during my Terrible-Horrible-No-Good-Very-Bad-Half Marathon Experience including: the heat, severe allergies, dehydration, and not being fully adjusted to my change in diet yet.

And my recent change of diet has certainly required some adjustment.

It is hard to become a Vegetarian over night. There. I said it. And I put it out on the internet so that means I don't care who knows.

I've not wanted to say anything until now because I was afraid of what people would say to me... oh, Amy, you can't cut out entire food groups, or Amy, is it healthy to be running like you do and not be eating animal protein? or Are you sure this is safe? I didn't want condescension. I didn't want anyone questioning my ability to research things on my own and make an informed decision. I didn't want to have to defend myself and my decisions and feel like everyone else is the expert on me and my life... rather than me. And who knows, maybe after a week, I wouldn't be able to handle it... so why tell anyone about something that I didn't think would stick?

So now that I've been doing this for a little over 3 weeks, and now that I am adjusting to it fairly well, I feel confident in saying that this is going to stick... at least for awhile.

See, here's the thing... I know I mentioned it briefly before, but when I was in 8th grade, my science teacher was really big into PETA and I was exposed to a lot of their propaganda ... and I chose to become a vegetarian (I also spent a whole year during the vegetarian phase eating with only chopsticks, don't ask). During that time, I was in excellent shape. I was taking dance lessons 3 or 4 days a week, and during the winter, I was downhill skiing the other 3 or 4 days per week. I stopped being a vegetarian in high school after a 2 week period where I had an insatiable craving for a Big Mac, and I learned that a lot of the media propaganda that PETA was putting out included photos and situations that were taken out of context. At the time, PETA was also saying that it was OK to douse fur-wearers in red paint, and that it was morally abhorrent to not only spay and neuter, but also that it was deplorable to keep domestic dogs or cats in the home.

These are things that I definitely didn't believe in (and I still don't), but that contributed to my transitioning back to being an omnivore.

But eating animals has been weighing heavily on my heart recently. Partly because I've been thinking about my health, and partly because of my beliefs about animals, and partly because of my faith.



As someone who is Jewish (albeit a reform Jew so thus not-nearly as observant as othodoxy), I am supposed to keep kosher. I am also a serious bacon lover. I rarely eat other pork products, but bacon is a serious weakness. But my faith commands no bacon, and this has been weighing on my heart for a long time. On the other hand, keeping kosher can be tricky. You aren't supposed to mix meat and dairy, you aren't supposed to have grape products (wines or juices) that aren't manufactured by Jews, no cheese manufactured with rennet (an enzyme found in non-kosher animal products), you can only eat the forequarter of permissible animals, and don't even get me started on the issue with fish! No wonder only 21% of Jews report keeping kosher in the home (with portions of this 21% reporting that they don't keep kosher while dining out)!

I'm sure by now, some of you are also shaking your heads saying but wait, Amy, you want to keep kosher but you have tattoos!

Well yes, I have tattoos. I also have pierced ears, I also braid my hair, and I also wear mixed fabrics. But wait, doesn't having tattoos mean you can't be buried in a Jewish Cemetary? Perhaps. But perhaps not. Many scholars and religious leaders are still working out what tattoos mean for burial, but I don't have a lot of concern there. Besides, my faith also used to prohibit organ donation... something that I strongly believe in...

So now that I have gone off on a huge tangent, what does all of this mean?

I want to keep kosher, but it's too hard. I feel like I should be at least observing the basic rules of no pork, no mixing of meat and dairy, no shellfish... and aside from the bacon issue, I could probably do that... but that brings me back to bacon being pork.

Oh heck, why not just give up all meats again? Lets just follow the K.I.S.S. method and keep it simple, stupid.

Am I going to give you a hard time for choosing to eat meat, probably not. But I can't guarantee that I wont look at what is on your plate and grimace... after-all, I did go and watch some videos about how animals are slaughtered and what kinds of infections that the USDA overlooks when grading animal products as safe for human consumption.

But I will try my best to be understanding that what works for you might not work for me. As long as you are understanding about the same in return.

It might not stick. It might just be a phase. But right now, it is the best decision for me.

Jazzercise, anyone?

This is not a running related post, but I wanted to blog about it for 2 reasons: 

1) it has to do with fitness to a certain extent,

2) it is a cute picture, and I wanted to share it.

Oh, and after this photo was taken, I was impressed with myself. So I guess that's actually 3 reasons.

If you don't know me well, or if you are just stumbling upon this blog randomly, you should probably know that other than running, I deeply enjoy giving back to the community through charitable works. For me, a lot of that charitable work is done through my membership with the 501st Legion. This organization is a screen accurate Star Wars costuming club that brings a love for the Star Wars movies to many people in an effort to not only share the passion for the movies but to help raise monies for charitable organizations which serve high risk, disabled, sick, or terminal children (to name a few). In my house, Ray is the big Star Wars fan, and I participate in this organization entirely as a way for us to do something together with the added charitable component. 

Recently we were invited to attend a local Relay for Life event at a local park. When we arrived, one of the first things that I noticed was how my costume would be needing some serious modifications as I was shrinking out of it. I've already replaced my boots because the calves were swimming on me, but as time goes on (eventhough we have already established that the scale isn't moving), I may need to revisit other components of the costume.

And that is incredibly exciting for me.

But what is even more exciting is that before I began this running thing, when we were interacting with the crowds at big events, I frequently felt myself huffing and puffing inside my helmet. I would be able to dance with the kids for maybe the chorus of a song, but much more than that, and I would get lightheaded and need to step away from the crowd to recoup. Last year, we attended a Star Wars themed wedding, and while I was able to dance for the majority of the evening, I never did much more than sway side to side performing dance moves similar to a slow-dance from 8th grade.

This time, things were different. After the first lap of the Relay for Life event, the music started blasting, and the stage was taken by two people from Jazzercise (you know, that aerobic half jazz half dance program that you haven't heard about since you last wore scrunchies and slouch socks).

And like at previous events, as I heard the music and I saw people dancing, I started to sway my hips and bob my head. And the Jazzercise women encouraged me to try the moves. So I did. And I picked them up. Really well.

And one song blended into another. And that song ended, and I found myself going up the stairs and joining them on the stage, because... well... what's cooler than a Star Wars character dancing on the stage with a couple of super fit women? And the song ended, and another started. I felt myself getting winded, but I kept going.

The moves were tough but I managed to hold on, finishing almost the entire half hour routine. 30 minutes of aerobic activity. Who would have ever thought I could not only do that, but do it in a complete costume? I certainly wouldn't have put my money on that bet!

I had a great time. And I'm considering attending a local studio that hosts jazzercise classes.

But when I do, I hope to leave the Star Wars costume at home.

The point two will getcha?

It feels strange to go back to my previously scheduled blogging when my heart and mind is still trying to get a wrap around what happened in Boston last week. My mind doesn't want to move on... But I know I need to. Because not moving on will only allow me to become stunted by the pain.

So today, while my heart is still with Boston, I keep going with my life. Because the perpetrators (so far) took 4 lives last week, I cannot allow my heart and soul to be added to the death toll.

Today, I write about something I hadn't intended to write about for another few weeks. And that is the secret I have been keeping close to my chest.

Let me start by saying that I don't like secrets. I think that has to do with my dislike for general anticipation.
 
I don't like it when people keep secrets from me because I feel like I am being left out. And I don't like it when people plan surprises for me (but tease me before hand about having a surprise for me).

I also don't like keeping secrets from other people, and I hate surprising others too.

That doesn't mean that if someone tells me something in confidence that I wont keep that confidence for them, because I tend to be really good at that. I don't know if it is just semantics, but somewhere in my brain I have made a distinction between confidences and secrets, and it is the latter that I have a hard time with.

Needless to say, I've been sitting on a secret for a number of weeks now.

And it. Is. Killing. Me.

KILLING ME!

The secret is...

That in January of 2014, after reaching my goal of 13 half marathons in 2013, I plan to run a full marathon.

I hesitate to say my first marathon because that implies that there will be a second, but it will be the first time that I will run a marathon. But I've hesitated to even say anything about it until now because I'm afraid.

I think when it comes to doing new things like this, I might be a bit of a commitment-phobe.

Because when you publicly announce that you are going to do something outside of your comfort zone (like train to run 26.2 miles in a row), people can then hold you accountable. If you put it out there for the rest of the world, you have to follow through. And yikes, that's scary.

That's 26.2 miles.

I decided, because it was Disney marathon weekend that got me interested in running in the first place, and my first half marathon was at Disney, what better a place to run the longest race I've ever attempted?

Photo courtesy of Karen Orozco*

Now, I know I complained a lot after my Disney half in January about them having too many entrants, and about how less-than-friendly the other runners were, and how I had really expected more from a race being put on by The Happiest Place on Earth, but there are also some benefits to running at Disney, that can make my marathon experience a good one.

For starters, because they don't start the 16 minute per mile requirement until the last person crosses the start line, if I am further up in my corral, I would have a little extra time to finish. Because there are so many corrals  and they wait 7 minutes between corrals to start, this also means an additional time buffer for someone like me, who has a naturally slow pace. Granted, this may change as RunDisney announced some changes on their blog recently about having fewer entrants and the possibility of adding corrals with smaller fields, but for now, I feel fairly confident that I can train hard for this race, then participate without getting swept.

And I'll keep my fingers crossed.

As of right now, the longest distance I've ever run at a time is 14 miles. That means that I will be adding an additional 12.2 miles to that distance. I anticipate that it will take me approximately 6 and a half or 7 hours to finish... but the time isn't really that important.

Of course I say that the time isn't all that important now, but I'm sure that will change in the coming months as the reality sets in that I am actually going to do this.

Thankfully, unlike my experience at the Disney Half this past year, I will not be running this event entirely on my own. My awesome running partner Brina has graciously offered to run the marathon with me, to help keep me on pace and motivated. 6-7 hours on my own might be a little rough. But it seems all the more doable with a friend.




*A special thanks to Karen Orozco at Losing the Glass Slippers for allowing me to use her photo. Karen is currently training for her first half marathon at Disney's Princess Half in February 2014. Keep working hard Karen, you can do it!

Fat vs. Fit

I am about to talk about something that I don't normally talk about.

My weight.

Just thinking of hitting the "publish" button on this post makes me nauseous.

It really is terrifying to put this all out there publicly, but I think it is important all the same.

In May of 2011, I graduated from Nova Southeastern University with my M.S. It was also my 4 year wedding anniversary, and I was planning a surprise wedding vow renewal for my husband. Because I had so many important events going on, I struggled with finding the right outfits to wear. And suddenly, I couldn't deny it any longer.

I had let myself go.

No. I had SERIOUSLY let myself go.

I've always been a bit overweight... but on two occasions, I shed the extra lbs and actually saw myself the way I really wanted to be. Once in 8th grade (when I was on a strict vegetarian diet and ate everything with chopsticks for over a year), and the second time as an adult after graduating from college and working for about a year. When I met my husband in September of 2004, I was at my lowest adult weight. At 5'6 I was a size 8 in skirts or dresses (though most times I needed a 10 in pants to accommodate my butt and thighs). I settled comfortably at around 172-175 lbs, and while the weight charts that doctors use to determine ideal body weight indicate that 160 is really the max of where my weight should be... I knew better.  At one point I had gotten to 164, and you could see every rib and bone jutting out of my body. No thank you.

So when I met my husband, I was healthy and happy with my body image. I got married and was hovering around 180. I look at the photos from our wedding (when I wore a size 12 in pants) and am in shock at how thin I actually was.

And how fat I had become.

Flash forward to 2011, when I was about to graduate with my Masters degree. I spent an entire day looking for dresses to wear to the numerous upcoming events, and that evening I went to dinner at a friend's house. My friend didn't speak a lot of English, and was more comfortable in her native tongue of Arabic. We were talking about the difference between wedding customs of the U.S. vs her home in Saudi Arabia.... and I pulled out a photo of me at my wedding to illustrate that not everyone in the U.S. wears a solid white bridal gown.

Oh Amy! she gushed. You look amazing! That dress is stunning. And you were so thin!!! 

And then after a brief pause, she quietly asked, What happened?

She didn't realize what she had said. And certainly there had been some meaning lost in the cultural and linguistic translation.

But it still stung.


Later that night, I cried. Not just a couple of single tears.

Big, messy, sloppy, alligator tears.

What had become of me?

Now here is a little math problem for those who might like to work their brains. I gained about 25lbs by the time i lost my job in 2009... part of that weight gain was the weight gain that people tend to have when they are happy in new relationships... part of that was from the depression over being in a job that was not healthy for me. Then I gained another approximate 36lbs between the time I went back to school in 2009, and the time that I had my wake up call.

Even at my heaviest weight in college, I never weighed this much. And while I saw the scale registering higher and higher numbers, and I had more and more difficulty fitting into my clothes, I was in denial. I went out and bought some size 14, then some size 16s. By the time I had this reality check, I had given up jeans altogether, in exchange for something less restrictive (like yoga pants), because that way I wouldn't notice the pain as I grew out of them.

The Monday after my ugly cry, I went on Weight Watchers.  

And you would think that the weight just fell off, but it didn't. I lost about 15lbs in the first couple of months, but then the weight loss just stopped. I was eating right, and starting to take care of myself but I was still not as active as I could have been.

8 months after starting Weight Watchers (January 2012), I saw Ray finish his first half marathon, and I decided that maybe I, too, could run a half marathon.

And so I started training. And the scale slowly started to move again. The experts recommend that people losing weight aim for no more than 2 lbs per week of loss, but I felt myself getting discouraged. At a rate of just half of that 2lbs per week, during 2012 I should have lost 52lbs.. or almost all of the weight I had put on over the years.

Instead, I lost 10. Bringing my grand total for almost 2 years of weight loss to 25lbs.

I still have a long way to go.

Or do I?

If you've been following along with the math, you've figured out that during my weight gain since meeting my husband, I've gained a total of  61 lbs and gone from a size 10 to a size 16 (or more because I stopped wearing clothes with this sizing system). And because you are excellent at math, You will also know that I have lost a total of 25lbs.

But the math doesn't add up. While I haven't seen the scale move in months, I've watched my clothes become more and more baggy, and I have tried on clothes that I held onto over the years hoping someday I would shrink back into them.

The size 12 shorts that I couldn't button on New Years 2012? I wore them 2 weeks later (after my first half marathon), they were really snug in the legs, but they buttoned (barely). Those same shorts? They now have about an inch of play in the waist, and are baggy on my butt and legs. And yet, the scale. Hasn't. Budged. If anything, I've actually GAINED a couple of lbs since then.

What is crazy is that I am 30 lbs heavier than when I bought those shorts, and they fit me better now!

Before people go telling me that muscle weighs more than fat so it makes sense that I am heavier fitting in the same clothes, lets not forget that I was VERY active in karate the last time I wore these clothes. I was in excellent physical condition back then too, so why the difference?

In the end, I'll have to chalk it up to one of life's great mysteries. And I guess it is one of life's mysteries that I'll have to be ok with.

Don't get my wrong. I still want to lose the rest of this weight and drop another 30 (ish) lbs. I realize that I may never go to the doctors office and have the nurses say "healthy" instead of "obese" based on some arbitrary chart, but I'd like to get my numbers down.

I went to the doctor on 3/27 for a followup. You know, bloodwork, bloodpressure, cholesterol, pulmonology, etc.

And he said I'm healthy again.

And that is the important part.

I'm looking good, I'm feeling good. I'm healthy, I'm active. I could probably work to lose some more weight, but my weight no longer poses a danger to my health. It will come with time.

Just like running a half marathon, I have to remember not to push too hard too fast. Weightloss is a distance event, not a sprint to the finish.

Can I be a runner yet?

When I returned from the Disney Half Marathon, I was excited to have finished 13.1 miles under less than ideal conditions. My body felt broken and abused, but my mind was in a good place.

Sure, finishing took me about 20 minutes longer than I had originally anticipated, but I finished something that not only had I been told I would never do, but also that (somewhere in the back of my mind) I really wasn't sure was possible.

And for the most part, I did it by myself.

Sure, I had a supportive husband and awesome friends (shoutout to Shannon, Kevin, David, Carra, and Steve-Dave), but on the day of the half-marathon, I was on my own. I did it myself.

And nobody could take that away from me.

A couple of days after we got home, Ray and I went to the local running store and got me a 13.1 sticker for the back of my car. Previously, I had thought that these were tacky, but now that I had actually gone the distance, you betcha, I wanted one. In actuality, I was so proud of myself I wanted more than 1, but it wasn't like I could put on the front, back and each side of my car, so I settled for just one sticker.

We drove home, and the next day, after getting my car washed and detailed, I put the sticker on.

But then it didn't quite feel right.

I'd been running for over a year, and now had completed a half marathon, but I didn't feel like a runner.

Would I ever feel like a runner?

What makes a person a runner?

In the end, I'm not sure it matters. I ran a half marathon. And I was suddenly wearing size 12 shorts that I could barely button 2 weeks before.... that makes the rest just semantics.

2012 Recap and Resolution (of sorts)

As we all know, I started 2012 as a couch potato, and quickly found myself motivated to start running.

I stayed active with weight watchers online. I tracked my runs on runkeeper, and I finished a number of 5K races.

I finished the year strong. While I didn't manage to lose more than about 10 lbs (bringing my total lost from June 2011 to approximately 25lbs). 8lbs in a year when I am trying hard to lose weight is a bit of a let down, but my clothes make it look like I've lost WAY more than that.

photo circa June 2011. Me +25Lbs

Photo circa November 2012

I still have a long way to go, BUT... I did manage to drop from a snug 16 to a snug 12. I started 2013 with the goal of fitting comfortably into a pair of shorts that I bought right after Ray and I married in 2007, however I didn't want to try them on for fear of failure.

More impressive though, I managed to track a total mileage of 271 miles in 2012. I also completed 5 5K races, including the Walk/Run for Wishes 5k, Expedition Everest 5K, The Glow Run 5K, Warrior Dash 5K, and Run For your Lives: Zombie Infested 5K.

I also somehow was able to finish the Galloway training program to get me prepared for my first half marathon, and had brought my total mileage up to 14 miles on Christmas Eve Morning (I pulled a groin muscle during that training run and it would bother me for over a month afterward, but I still managed to complete a 14 mile training run, which was something I NEVER believed I would be able to do).

I hesitate to make resolutions, because I can never follow through and then they just wind up being a source of self-loathing and guilt. So instead, I set goals.

And this year, my goal has to do with running. If I was able to log 271 miles in 2012, that translates to roughly 5.25 miles per week. Logically, my mind said that I was only able to log that 271 miles because I was training for a half marathon, so this year, if i am not training for a half marathon, it might be difficult to get that mileage in.... particularly if the summer can be so brutal on my asthma.

But a goal is about challenging the self, right? If I increase my weekly mileage to 6 miles per week, that would be 312 miles in 2013. that seems like a reasonable goal, right? I don't know if I can make that mileage, but its worth a shot, and perhaps it will keep me motivated.