a race of endurance, not of speed and fancy footwork.

As some of you may already know... I had a followup with my orthopedic. He has officially cleared me to return to normal running activities. He had a little hiccup when he said normal, and had to reiterate that it was running activities of normal people, not my own personal version of normal running activities. He said that the residual pain that I am having in my knee from the booted half marathon is from a pull in the connective tissue for the hamstrings, not the dreaded and much feared IT band issue that I have heard many runners complaining about. He smiled and agreed that I can run this coming weekend's Race for Women's Wellness half marathon.

And he laughed when I asked him about my upcoming 5 in 5 series (Riverboat by mainly marathons). He said of course, this is exactly why I said normal running activities. He cleared me, with the one caveat that I have to listen to my body.

That being said, I am under strict orders to do one of three things should I experience pain during my big trip. I must either put the boot on, sit out entirely, or go through the pain. I'll admit that going through the pain is not a viable option... and one that will get thrown off the table immediately under the orders to listen to my body. Because I know what kind of pain it can cause, I doubt I would ever jump to do another half marathon in a boot either. So, really, if I am experiencing pain on that trip, I am left with the only option to take a DNF.

After last month's booted half marathon where I almost got swept and then outright refused, I dont think the thought of a DNF scares me so much. particularly if it is by choice. I need to make the best decisions for my body. And one or two DNFs is better than another year of going through this foot fiasco. I don't want to think about DNFs though, I'm not planning for them, I don't think that I will need to take them, but it most certainly wont be the end of me if i have to take them.

Other than that, I've been busy lately. REALLY REALLY busy. If I haven't mentioned it yet before, I am in the dissertation stage of a Ph.D. program. I've been a busy little bee trying to make headway on that. I've experienced some setbacks there, but I use my running history as inspiration. I just remind myself that (although I wish it was) the dissertation is not a sprint to the finish, but rather an endurance race. And this endurance race has been akin to some of the really awful half marathons that I have barely been able to complete (see Albion MT and Singer Island). Sometimes it is too hard and I kick myself for ever taking this on. but I see the "medal" at the end of the road, and I know I have to put in the time and energy to get to where I want to be.

To blow off some steam, we got me a gym membership. If you recall, the membership process didn't go as smoothly as I would have liked, but after another incident and speaking to the manager directly about my unhappiness with the way I was being treated by staff (as if my only goal is to lose weight, and being told that to do so I had to give up running altogether), it has been fairly painless emotionally ever since. I'd like to say that I am using the membership as much as I had intended, but work responsibilities and my dissertation work have interfered. I've used some of the cardio equipment like the treadmill (which I can't seem to overcome my fear of falling off the back of so I really try to avoid), the bikes and elliptical (which I love but find myself bored while using) and the rowing machine (how have I never used one before? these things are AWESOME)... but my real love at the gym is the organized classes like Zumba and Latin Heat. I can't seem to get as many classes in as I would like because my sleep cycle is off kilter again which makes it hard to make the early morning classes and my schedule has been crazy in the evenings with meetings. But I have somewhat managed to dovetail the missed classes with days that I am out there pounding the pavement.

Which brings me to my final thought of the day. I have new shoes. After completely wearing through the blown rubber treads on my hokas, I had to replace them. I bought 2 new pair and am breaking them in. But they feel funny. they are new, so obviously they have more bounce. they also have more traction and I find myself picking my feet up more (without tread, It was like i was trying to slide my feet along the ground to keep traction. is this possible?). Anyway, these seem to make my gait feel off a little. I've definitely got more spring in my step, which increases my pace during my run intervals.... but I am coping with not having the same kind of endurance I had before. Instead of 5 mile runs, I find myself to be cutting them shorter to 3. Granted, 3 miles on a run is far more than most American's will do, but still. I expect more from myself.

With a half marathon 3 days away, I definitely expect more from myself.

I know in a pinch, I can do it, and I definitely WANT to do it.

Enough rambling, its time to get out there and train.

Frustrations abound at the gym

I recently joined a Gym. LA Fitness to be exact.

Not necessarily to lose weight (although I should probably lose about 60 lbs), but that would just be a happy byproduct.

I joined to give myself more training possibilities for my running. Right now, the weather is hit or miss, but we are going into the rainy season in South Florida soon, and the temps will also be heating up. And in the past I have learned that as the days get longer, I have less opportunity to run. Because I am totally NOT a morning person, this meant a lot of training runs at night after dark, which cuts into my precious together time with husbeast.

So I joined a gym to have access to things like the dreadmill, and the elliptical, and possibly the stationary bike. I chose LA Fitness because it also has a sauna and a steam room, a pool and a Jacuzzi. All super welcome bonuses for me as we don't have any of that available now that we are homeowners.

But I was also very turned on by the idea that there would be fitness classes. Like spin, and Zumba, aerobics, Latin Heat class, and yoga.

All with one startup fee and a marginal monthly membership, I would have access to a lot of really great opportunities to lead a more active lifestyle.

And of course, they have the dreaded weight machines. While I don't begrudge anyone the use of machines, that just isn't what my goal is. My goal is to make having a more active lifestyle part of my day-to-day. My goal is to supplement my running. My goal is to enjoy exercising. And being on those machines screams BORING. Oh man, I would rather jab myself repeatedly with sharpened and rusty darning needles than spend time on those dang machines!

But of course the startup fees at the gym include a single session with the trainer, in the hopes that they can rope you into a contract for a quite pricy personal training plan... which would be geared toward spending most of my time on those dang weight machines and less time doing the things that I joined this gym specifically for.

I didn't want this intro session with the personal training, but I suppose I wasn't forceful enough to say no. While, professionally, I always counsel people to cut back on their conflict avoidance style, it is easier to coach someone into doing this than it is to follow my own guidance.

So this week, I had my intro training session, which I didn't really want in the first place. I saw down and we talked about goals and why I joined the gym. And I was candid and clear. The gym will be used to supplement my training and encourage cross training, particularly as I come out of this long drawn out foot injury. And he took my measurements, told me that I was a good 60 lbs overweight (which I am aware of because I am not blind and can see the numbers on the scale), and wanted to talk about diet.

And then he dropped his first insult. That I could never lose weight eating a bagel and banana in the morning because that's runners food, and runners food doesn't work.

And then he started talking about how I need to eat chicken and more protein, disregarding the fact that I clearly told him I am a vegetarian.

And then we got to the point of the actual training session which overall went fairly well, although he seemed to ignore the fact that I told him that one of the exercises was causing tremendous heel pain, and I was concerned about the possibility of injury because I have a race coming up this weekend.

To which his response was basically, If you have a goal to lose weight, you shouldn't be running anymore, particularly not running half and full marathons. They aren't healthy, and will cause you to get hurt and destroy your knees, hips, and ankles. Then there was the accusation that my foot injury was caused by running...

Pardon me for a second here as I flip to my big girl language, but NO ASSHOLE, my foot injury is not related to running. My injury happened because I am a KLUTZ and I fell in a freaking hole and tore a tendon and didn't know it, then got bad medical advice. Yes, running was part of the reason that it didn't heal as fast as it should have, but  that doesn't mean it came from running.


AND by the way, just because your charts say I am overweight by 60lbs and at a heightened risk for things like diabetes, high cholesterol and obesity related death...  my doctor has indicated (on multiple occasions) that I am in tip top physical health and that the only reason I should be working to lose the weight right now is for vanity.

But of course, I didn't say any of this, though I definitely wanted to as I envisioned punching him in his muscle bound EYEBALL.

And instead, when he tried to sell me the personal trainer for the affordable cost of $40 per week with a 12 month contract (and a one time initiation fee), I meekly told him that this was not going to be fiscally prudent based on our family budget, but maybe some other time down the line.

To which he told me that he'd still like to get me to sign an agreement with him (personally) to give up a year of running altogether to see how the weight falls off.


Next time, I will shank a bitch. And after he recovers from the initial shock, I'll just run away.

13.1 miles away.

Even at my molasses pace, I'd probably lose him after that first point one of a mile. Afterall, that point one will getcha.

 

Failing is an option, quitting is not

Erica at Wornout Soles recently wrote a post about 30 life lessons that she has learned in celebration of turning 30 this month. I found her blog through a group on facebook, and while all of her life lessons really seem to be really great lessons to have learned, I struggled over understanding and believing her lesson #15.

Failing is an option, quitting is not.

I am super competitive with myself. I am a loose-ends-tie-r-upper. When I give myself to something, I give 110%. When I take a class or an exam, I cannot stop working until I have given my very best. Everything has to be perfect in order for me to be proud of my accomplishments.

When I compare myself to others doing similar things (like writing a paper for example), a B is a fairly good grade and I would tell others that this is great, but deep inside me, I don't believe it for myself. I've come to realize the past couple of years, its not that I think that I am better than others, or that I need to be better than others, but rather, It is about my own feelings of self worth. I feel like I have to constantly prove to others (and myself) that I am worthy.

Failure is just not an option for me.

Because failing is a sign of weakness. And if I fail, I wont be worthy.

... Because somewhere along the lines, I have taught myself that to be worthy is to get straight As, to be worthy is to complete ridiculous running challenges, that to be worthy isn't just to study karate but to have a black belt, that to be worthy is to not just contribute money to a good cause but to take up the mantle for that cause. I spread myself too thin, because it isn't enough to work part time and work on a doctoral dissertation, but I have to be doing all this other stuff too, and constantly give my free time to helping others with anything and everything (I seem to be the go to person for a lot of people and always feel myself dropping everything that is me-centered to help others out). 

And all of that eventually leads to burnout.... and worse, feeling like a failure. Because, you know, its not enough to be doing one or two things, when I can instead be doing a LOT of other things.

Years ago, while in undergraduate, I was going through a rough spell. And I was with a dear friend and talking about something that was emotional and I excused myself to cry. I NEVER want to let anyone see me cry, because to me, it shows weakness. I'm a super emotional person anyway, but I don't want others to see tears. Anyway, after I was done crying in the bathroom, I came back out and my friend had a come-to talk with me. I don't remember anything of that conversation or the circumstances except this. After a brief pause where he asked if i was ok, he said to me:

Amy, why are you so afraid of crying in front of others? Crying is a natural expression, let yourself be human.

Those words have since stuck with me. And frequently when I have a run, or screw up something, I remind myself that it is ok to be human, and try to let go. And with that, I realize that Erica from Wornout Soles is right... failure is natural. All children who learn to walk fall down. And it hurts and they cry. But they don't quit, and eventually they are able to walk a few more steps without falling down. They learn through perseverance and dedication. Perseverance and a refusal to quit are behaviors that allow us to become better and stronger people. Those are the behaviors that strengthen our souls and decrease the odds of failing the next time.

All that being said, I finally made a leap and got myself a gym membership at LA Fitness. I haven't been to a gym in years, but in South Florida heat, it almost makes sense because running can be so brutal outside sometimes. Plus the Dr. wants me to work more x-training in. I wanted this particular gym because through membership, I would have access to all sorts of classes like spinning, Zumba, Latin heat, etc. I'm terrified of weight machines, but I thought these classes would be a great way to get out there and push my comfort zone. I've now taken 2 classes there, and have learned the following:

1) I am built like an out of shape linebacker.
2) This white girl ain't got no rhythm. 
3) it is entirely impossible to do a class without staring at the amazing asses on the other girls. 
4) I have the grace of Steve Urkel.
5) I look and feel like a fool

But all of those things combined, I am finding that I am really enjoying this new activity. I'm nervous and scared, and I think I just need to keep it in perspective.

I'm fairly sure that at some point, I'm gonna fail (just look at that list above), but I wont be quitting any time soon.

(And maybe this will be just the remedy for not having enough me time.)