Sad, Upset, and Feeling Broken.

One of the things that I find really important these days is maintaining a positive attitude.

I spent so much of my life being pessimistic and self-conscious, and recently I have realized what a waste of time that is. When I was growing up, I used to obsess about the what-ifs and the negative things that I was experiencing... always trying to find ways to fix my mistakes...

As an adult, when I felt myself going to that place I would call my amazing mother for advice... which always ended with "Amy, don't let yourself go there. Stay away from that place."

And recently I have become acutely aware of how the outlook of others can affect my own outlook. When trying to remain positive myself, I am now making a concerted effort to surround myself with positive and supportive people so that I can continue to remain positive and be supportive of myself and others as well. Kind of like the basic tenets from Rhonda Byrne's books, The Secret and The Power. You maintain a positive attitude and positivity and good things will be returned to you in the process.

And it works. It really, truly works.

Except that today, I am having trouble being positive. Instead, I just feel sad. And upset. And broken.

We all know that I have been struggling with foot/ankle issues in my right leg. Last time I wrote about my injury, I talked about how the xrays showed no breaks, showed dorsal spurring, and how the Dr. believed that it was just achilles tendon issues. The remedy was to be off my feet for 2 weeks.

And I didn't want to follow his orders. But I did anyway... lest I get worse and sabotage my upcoming 6 in 6 birthday gift to myself. In the end, I actually managed to stay off my feet for 2 and a half weeks. I went stir crazy, but I did it. and I went out for a couple of runs last week and had absolutely no pain.

I thought that was the end of it.

Until I went to my part time job on Saturday. This job is fast paced and I find myself averaging about 16,000 steps during a shift. About halfway through my shift (when I was at about 9,000 steps), I started to feel significant pain in my heel. Then by the time I hit 12,000 steps, I could barely walk. Other employees were concerned but I brushed it off with my newly adopted power of positivity.

But I knew there was something wrong. I knew I had to be concerned.

First thing yesterday morning, I called the doctor and got an urgent appt with the orthopedic. I went in there knowing that there was probably nothing that could be done, but I knew I was going to ask if there was anything that they could do so that I could resume my life while still following the orders for RICE. I kept thinking a boot would make sense, so I went in and asked specifically if that would make sense.

And I KNEW KNEW KNEW that a boot wouldn't be recommended because it was soft tissue damage and walking boots are rarely prescribed for tendonitis. I KNEW he would say no... which is why I felt confident in suggesting it... (how ass backwards is that?)

And wouldn't you know... the very first thing the Dr said was that he agreed that I needed to be in a boot. And now I need an MRI.... because how the heck does someone follow Dr. orders for 2+ weeks of rest and wind up WORSE???

He told me he hasnt ruled out my being able to participate in my upcoming birthday races... and he will make that decision after seeing my MRI....

But I'm angry. And hurt. I've been preparing for this since May. And less than 3 weeks out, I am falling apart.

I'm allowed to take my boot off to shower, sleep (when I am supposed to replace it with a different boot), and ride my bike (if I can tolerate it)... and the Dr says I am looking at being in it until at least the end of September...

If he clears me to run the races at Center of the Nation... I will be traveling with the boot and wearing it every moment that I am not actually running. But the verdict is still out on that. Trying to be positive.

But all I want to do is cry.