Just what the doctor ordered

It has been a rough week.

I feel like I am completely falling apart here, and I don't know how to get myself back to that positive mental place.

I'm starting to cry as I write this. I'm just feeling so down.

I run to get out frustrations. I run to spend time with myself. I run to help develop solutions to problems that I am having. I run to help lose weight. I run so that I can eat more throughout the day and be guilt free. I run because I have ambitions and goals. I run to keep myself in a well balanced mental status.

And now, it has been a week without running... per doctors orders.

Supposedly I am supposed to make my body healthy by taking some rest and not running. But what good is a healthy body if I feel my mind deteriorating and becoming less healthy?

Turns out there were no fractures or breaks in my ankle... but the x-rays showed that there was some moderate dorsal calcaneal spurring (HEEL SPURS), and the doctor was aware that I had a significant amount of soft tissue trauma in my Achilles and the tendons in my foot.... hence the reason that my foot blew up to the size of a grapefruit this weekend. The only real thing I can do now is wear a boot at night to keep my Achilles and foot stretched out... lots of rest (no running)... and anti-inflammatories. I'm hoping to begin walking again to keep my mind clear.

And keeping my mind clear and functional right now is a PRIORITY... particularly after my cardiology testing this week. What originally brought me to the cardiologist was that the heart monitors picked up back to back episodes of extreme tachycardia when I was sick in early July. And during the testing this week... the monitors picked up ongoing extreme bradycardia. If the normal adult heart rate is between 60-120 beats per minute, and my heart rate was at 35 bpm while sleeping and 37 bpm while awake... what can that mean? this is not good.

For people who are extremely physically fit or people who have trained themselves to have lowered heart rate, a pulse of 35-37 bpm can be quite normal. But I have not trained myself and while I participate in distance running events, I am NOT what anyone would call extremely physically fit.

And if 35-37 bpm was a natural range, would I be having trouble getting a full breath, hot flashes or bouts of the sweats?

I wont know more until my follow up on Aug 21... and I am trying to be positive and not go to that scary place of what ifs...  that wont be helpful to anyone.

I just don't know what to say. I'm falling apart here. And I just want to be outside and doing what I love... or rather what I love to hate to love.

I'm kinda scared here.