Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Marathon that didn't happen

If we are being honest here, something that I really try to do in my blog, I have to admit that while I was devastated to have missed the full marathon at Disney this past weekend, I was also somewhat relieved to be spectating instead of participating.

I talked a good game, and talked myself into thinking that I wanted to run a marathon when a few friends were kicking around the idea last spring. I think at the time, I only signed us up as a challenge to myself... almost like if they can do it, I can surely do it.

And having done some serious running this year there was no doubt in my mind that I probably could have finished my training for the marathon and completed it, even if it meant crawling across the finish-line.

But we had a falling out with those friends. And because I still hadn't been entirely sold on the idea that I actually wanted to run this race, I convinced some other friends to sign up and run it with me. But October rolled around, and as much as I wanted to convince myself that I actually wanted to do the race, I was still teetering on having full out dread and panic.

Of course I was going to do it... but I realized that I didn't really want to. The only reason that I kept training and kept pushing myself was because I thought if I worked hard enough at it, I would convince myself that I really wanted to do this and it would make me happy.

But seriously... 26.2 miles is a long way to travel on foot. Sometimes I struggle to get into the zone for a 5 mile run... I know what 16 miles can feel like. And through all that positive self-talk, I still wasn't convinced. But I made commitments to other people, and commitments to myself... and I would move forward and finish what I started.

But then my injury got worse, and I was put into a bigger boot, and I had some shots, and even standing on my foot was completely verboten for 3 weeks in there... Logically speaking, I knew the Dr. would tell me that the marathon was out. But hearing confirm what I already knew made my have a near breakdown in the exam room.

And I was crying over not being able to do a race that I not only didn't want to do, but that I never really wanted to do in the first place. And I was so confused. So. Damn. Confused.

But then, because we had made a commitment to split hotel costs with our friends who were also running the race, we went to spectate the event instead. I knew it was going to be emotional. And I posted facebook about my sadness at not actually being able to participate, and I got similar responses.

There will be other Marathons.

You can always do it next year.

And while, yes, these people are right... I never really wanted to do the race in the first place. And so as I was watching many of my friends from near and far pass by us while we were spectating... and in between my own self-indulgent fits of turning away to sob uncontrollably... I realized that these marathoners are amazing athletes, who I admire and respect, but who I will probably never join the ranks of.

Not because I can't. But because I don't really want to.

Which brings me to my final moment of complete cognitive dissonance... Not 10 minutes after realizing all of these things about myself we met up with our friends who had just finished and saw how incredibly exhausted they were and congratulated them on their respective (and respectable) finished... and I thought to myself...

Hey Amy, there's always next year

... if you want to.



10 comments:

  1. You know. Some people are long distance runners and some people are not so long distance runners. Think about the Olympics. There are races for sprinters, some for longer distances, the Biathalon which combines athletic activities or skiing the high jump, the 300 meter, etc. The 5K and the 1/2 are your thing. You love doing them, you've developed the skills and the drive to do them. Why commit yourself to something you really don't want to do? Work at improving your performance in the races that you truly enjoy.

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    1. Thank you so much Mom. I actually didn't think you read my blog. Its kind of nice to see you perusing here.

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  2. I wanted to thank you and hubby for being there. That's more than my friends and family have ever done. It meant so much to me to see a familiar face in the crowd even though I just tossed you guys a jacket and ran away, to say nothing of the margaritas (Although I may want to rethink drinking 2 margaritas in 5 minutes on an empty stomach while dehydrated).

    I was happy to be there with a friend, and if you get healed up and you should ever want to do the long run, just cash in your chit and I'll be with you to the finish, because I owe you one (a few actually at this point). And if you never feel the desire, that's cool too.

    I prefer the half to the full. The full isn't really harder, it's just a long, dull, fight to stay interested. Maybe if I were faster I'd feel differently, but it feels like reading the dictionary cover-to-cover, just a battle of will with boredom.

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    1. would do anything for you, my friend. love ya! If there is a next time for me... margaritas on you!

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  3. Sorry your in a boot! I just got out of my 2nd round in it! But yes oneday you'll heal and if you want to run it next year, you can!
    One of the hardest things for me is to go anywhere near a race on a day I should be running one. Heck I even have a hard time doing it when I wasn't planning on running a race. Its a bittersweet moment to cheer others on, and only a runner who can't run can understand that feeling! I think it's great you went and cheered your friends on!
    Hope you heal soon! I had to wear that boot to my knee for over 10 weeks, 24 hours a day, so I totally know how annoying the darn thing is. However, it also has helped me heal faster than others who have had my injury so I have a love hate relationship with the boot:)

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    1. Looking back, I'm not really sure that I wanted to go near that race, or ANY other race, while out of commission because it would be that bittersweet feeling that you describe. But i committed to my friends to support them and i hate backing out of things i commit to.

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  4. I know what you mean about the marathon. I briefly (and I mean BRIEFLY) toyed with the idea of signing up for the WDW full for 2015. That weekend, on mile 8 of a 10 mile training run it hit me...at this point in my running career (is it a career if you don't get paid?) I just don't want to run more than 13.1 miles. Seriously, the idea of doubling that is just beyond me right now.

    And big kudos for (1) recognizing that you just didn't want to (2) respecting your body enough to let it heal and (3) having the fortitude to go to the race and cheer your friends on. That is a sign of great character, I'm proud of you!

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    1. I think that's where my mind is at right now. I can barely muster the energy to finish a full. and this is something that I enjoy and WANT to do all the time. Doubling that is something that boggles my mind. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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  5. I'm proud of you for knowing you don't want to, not beating yourself up about it, and being an awesome spectator anyway! I hope that you find your perfect distance and you're so right, there will always be another 26.2! Happy Sunday!

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    1. Thank you so much Emily. I know the distance will always be there when I am ready for it. I just have to get myself to that place where I really want to do it first. and I am not sure that will happen. And to be honest, that's ok. Some are meant to marathon. some are not.

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